UNT!TLED; the chase.

Have you ever wanted something you couldn't have? and the thrill of the chase made you want that object or even that person, even more than you ever thought possible? Its like the saying goes, you always want what you cant have. But what if after the chase, and you work so hard to obtain your price, you get it - and you don’t want it anymore??

I feel like that’s how men are. You always want what you cant have. And once you get it, that person is useless to you. The thrill of the chase, the game, is no longer fun to you anymore. So then you feel you can dismiss your newfound object at your discretion. Or maybe it is not a newfound object. Maybe it is an old crush that will always have a lil part of your heart. You feel like you are strong; and have moved on from this person - until you see this person out and about or whatever and all those feelings that you thought you had pushed away come rushing back to you. You want this person - you NEED this person back in your life again. You start to question why did I ever let go in the first place?? So you work hard to get back with this person. You say all the right things and do all the right things, meanwhile knowing in your heart you are not ready to give up the games you have begun to take a liking to in life. Never realizing that this other person has feelings and emotions as well; that while you are playing your lil game - this person could be hurting. But you are blind to all this - for all you see is the prize at the end of the finish line.

So let’s say you start to win this “game” and then what? The closer you get to the end; the more you start to push away wondering what the heck did I jes get myself into? So you basically start to disappear. Well before you even start on this cat-mouse chase; remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Hold on to the things you value in life because once you let them go… they may never come back.

UNT!TLED; life.

So life has been very confusing; yet good lately. I've been going thru so many changes and becoming a different person in so many ways. But I believe its all for the best. I am growing into a better, more spiritual woman. I have lost some friends ; but gained some wonderful ones as well. ((Shouts out to my new bff; athena christine - hehe))

Thinking about my thought for today really got me thinking. I truly believe some people are brought into your life for a reason, where others are merely there for a season. And there are def a few people I want to remain for a lifetime. I do not regret knowing any of the people I have met along my journey in life. I have gained and learned something with each experience. But sometimes we "outgrow" each other or the friendship ((or relationship for some of you guys)). There has to be a time in everyones life where you have to evaluate the situation and realize when to let go; or when to hold on tighter. Some people I have decided to let go in my life and after a deep meaningful conversation I had last night; I realized sometimes I need to hold on a little tighter and despite what I may be going thru make sure people never feel unappreciated. I would never want to loose someone I love or care about because I was too caught up in elimating the negative in my life; I forgot to stop and take time to appreciate the positive that still remains.

In the past year I have gone thru so much. I left all my friends and family back home to start a new life. A new family. It's such a scary thought when you think about it. I have accomplished more in the past year then some people do in a lifetime. I am proud for that. But sometimes I doubt myself. I forget to look at all that I have accomplished and worry about what I have not. I am my own worst critic. I miss everyone back home very much; but I feel I was brought here for a reason and despite some of the downfalls I have occured while out here; I wouldnt change it cus it only brought me closer to the people I love and the people who need to be in my life.

With all this being said I just wanted to say thank you for believing in me even when I forget to believe in myself and never giving up on me. I know I am not always the nicest person in the world (hummm.. okk we all know I dominate the "bitch" status majority of the time) but deep down I do have one of the most loving & giving hearts out there. God has brought you in my life for a reason; and for those of you who have stood thru the rain with me thru it all - I will never forget that. And for those of you who ran when shxt didn't go your way? I am still happy you were apart of my life for that season. I am the person I am today because of each and every one of you.

Til next time.. x0x0.

UNT!TLED; butterfly.

i've always somewhat envied the life of a butterfly. they start their life one way and blossom into something beautiful; a new creature that everyone loves to love. this creature begins their life as a awkward caterpillar, then has a spectacular metamorphosis into a familiar and colourful winged adult form. i believe we all somewhat go thru a metamorphosis as we enter our adulthood. how much or to what extreme varies to each person. some people go thru life and look back and wonder where it went; and wonder "what if". a good friend said to me the other day that we are in our prime. enjoy life to the fullest right now cus you don't want to look back when you are 40 and realize you literally had the life; but didn't live it.

i've been thru so much in my time and i want to thank each and every person that has entered my life; whether you are still in it or not. each person serves a purpose, a somewhat stepping stone to your next phase in life. i truly am blessed to have met such wonderful people in my life.

but now it is time for me to turn into my own "butterfly". the year has just begun; yet has already brought so many changes and will continue to bring even more. i am stepping out of my shell and going to transfer even more into this beautiful person. i am eliminating negative friends and energy in my life and focusing on my relationship with God. My son always has; and always will come first in life. I am going to enjoy life to the fullest and everything it has to offer; i don't want to be that person looking back still as a "caterpillar" because i never let my life fully blossom into what it could be. so stay tuned everyone as i transfer into this beautiful, wonderful creature.. this is just the beginning of a wonderful journey and metamorphosis =]

UNT!TLED; okay.

despite how effn CRAZY today was and all the countless bullshxt that kept going on from my job; to my car; to everything in btwn.. in the end today ended up being "okay".

Like the "Thought For The Day" on 12-12 sed:

Everything is okay in the end; if it's not okay, then its not the end.


I was close to finally loosing it today. So much has been going on lately I keep asking when "enuff" is going to be ENUFF! From all the drama the past few weeks to the little shxt that keeps happening; today's bullshxt had jes about put the icing on the cake.. but for some reason i jes kept on trucking and taking care of business; keeping my head up to the sky like nothing or nobody could stop me or break me.

Finally wrapping today up; headed to bed. Not much to say except;
everything will be okay..

Chow for Now.

UNT!TLED; alone.

still hurt confused and yet alone. feeling like i have nobody to turn to and nobody to trust; wondering where do i go from here? so therefore in order to protect myself and protect my son i am cutting everyone and everything off. i trust nobody. the people who say they are there for you; usually aren't and i always end up disappointed in the end. so if i trust nobody and dont expect shxt; i wont be disappointed, right? let's see how this works. from here on out; its jes me and you babyboi.

UNT!TLED; perfection.

i sit here hurt; confused; mad; lost; unsure. pondering what if? and why?? how can someone you love give up so easily on something or someone? anything worth having is worth fighting for. guess not everyone lives by the same rules and philosophy's in life. i will never be "that"; but honestly i never thought anything was wrong with "this" in the first place. i strive daily for perfection. to mold into this creature my half wishes me to be. but honestly there is no such thing. true love is not loving a perfect person; but loving an imperfect person perfectly. i have grown so much spiritually; mentally; emotionally. i just wish you could see. but i guess in the end this was never permanent for you - only temporary.. simply just "passing time" until the next best PERFECT thing.

UNT!TLED; bff.

lately i have been doing a lot of thinking and i feel its time i go and re-evaluate some "relationships" and people in my life. it's like im at a point in my life where i know so many people, yet most of the time feel so alone. i could count the number of people who whole-heartily care about me on one hand; & that's including my family. i am surrounded by sum great people in my life but most of the time everyone is so caught up in their own worlds they forget the simple things or people in their lifes. i'm the type of person who doesn't let people in very easily, but once you are in i expect you to be there; or at least act like you care at times. there's some people who claim to be "this" - or claim to be "that" but where are you really at?? i don't need or want any part time friends in my life. with that being said, i wanna thank you BFF for always being there. No matter what. You have always held me down and stuck by my side no matter what. Just like all BFF's we may have a disagreement here or there but nothing or nobody has ever or will ever break us. i couldn't do it without you in this cold harsh world. so with that being said i'm gonna go into low-key mode. it's just me and you BFF. love you.

UNT!TLED; Karma.

Attention CH!LD'REN: I suggest you don;t play games with b!tches who can play them better. As the saying goes; play with fire & your gonna get burned. You may try to sit there & ruin my life as you see fit, but trust you can NEVER break me. At the end of the day, the joke remains on YOU. Go play your little kiddie games with someone who has time for them. Karma is a b!tch. What goes around comes around. Trust God will handle you. I have to stop myself & pray on the situation because God is the only one saving you right now. Trust that. I will be the bigger person in the situation. Whatever satisfaction you feel you have gained after doing what you did, do you really feel satisfied?? I doubt it. Because in the end you are a lonely b!tch. So keep prying on people and sleeping your way to where you are now because in the end.. that's all you will ever be or have in life.

UNT!TLED; Dear Diary

I feel like my life has come to a stand still. Where I am just sitting here looking life head on & wondering what next?? I feel like I have begun to settle in life. I have stopped wanting more out of life & more for myself & honestly don;t know why. If you knew me about two years ago, you probably wouldn;t even recognize the person you see before your eyes right now. Not saying that;s a good thing, or a bad thing. Those people who knew me years ago look at me now & say I seem happier than I have ever been in life. & I am. But at the same time, I am constantly fearing, what next?? I have met an amazing set of friends & family, yet when I go home at night, I feel so lost & alone. I can be sitting in the middle of a crowd while everyone is laughing enjoying their selves, yet feel so alone. Change is a scary thing. & right now I am going thru so many changes. Personally; Emotionally; Financially; Mentally. I normally cope so well with change. I adapt. I just can;t seem to adapt to changes lately. But I do know something needs to change. But why do I have to always be the one to do that? Somewhere in this crazy chaotic confusing world I feel I have lost myself. But where to even begin to look for myself is the question. Idk maybe I am just having a moment but I feel like I have so much on my mind. Yet when it comes out, I am at a lost for words. I know I sound crazy at times, but if you know me, then you already know I am. So what;s new. I wish I could find the special immunity from all the hurt & pain in the world & pass it on to myself & friends nd family. Everyone seems to be fighting their own battles right now. I hate it. I just want to be happy in life & everyone else to be as well. Seems like every time I am at my peek of happiness something or someone comes & fukks it up. Do you ever wonder what if?? Like what if you could go back & change one part of your life, would you? Or do you believe everything happens for a reason? As much as I sometimes wish I could redo certain events in my life I feel each experience has made me who I am. I am a FiRM believer that everything happens for a reason, EVERYTHING. Sometimes we just don;t understand or know the meaning of it til later on in life when it;s meant for us to. Despite all the crazy emotions & thoughts running thru my head at the end of the day I put a smile on my face & remain strong. I can;t let anyone see how fragile in life I have become. I have been thru worse & overcame it. This should be nothing. I must remain strong & defeat all the obstacles that are faced before me. I have no choice. I have a wonderful son that who, at the end of the day reality is, we only have each other. I feel so foolish for even allowing myself to become this way. But all feelings & emotions are temporary & can be changed. They will be.

UNT!TLED; thanks.

Jus wanted to say THANK YOU for my friends and family who REMEMBERED my birthday nd took the extra two seconds out of their day to jus say a simple "happy birthday" or for those who actually went above and beyond for it.

For some reason I kept getting sad this weekend. Feeling like the "forgotten/unwanted step child of the group". You always say "fam first", right? So why is it that only select fam matters and the other few we just brush under the rug until we decide to have something to do with them? I kept trying to not let it get to me.. thinking I'd get a call or text or something sometime during the week or even that weekend. But nope. Nada.

I have never really been invited to your outings; maybe one here and there on a random occasion, but not often. I know everyone just gets caught up in their own worlds and their own lil circles at times. But I still always thought that at the end of the day, like we say..

"FAM FIRST ALWAYS"

UNT!TLED; Personal Thoughts

So much on my mind lately, yet I have little to say. I lay there in a daze. Confused and unsure of my next move or what to think. How is it that the two people closest to you can betray you so quick and so easily? How does a person really recover from that? My trust is gone. I would have done anything for these people. But my heart they took it and destroyed it where I don't know how it will ever be the same again. They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Guess I was just apart of their lil game they decided to play. Never taken into consideration who they may hurt in the meantime. I can deal with her. But him? I am not sure. I just sit there and ask God for guidance. To help me pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and to be able to one day put them back together again. As I look at the pictures of who you idol and fantasize over it hits me that quick, I am not who you want. You can criticize me and try to change me, but at the end of the day I am ME and that’s all I can and ever will be. I have tried to become this person you wanted in your life. Your trophy wife, so to say. I look in the mirror today and don’t even recognize the person I see. My reflection is there, but it’s not me. My life has been drained in order to become this person I am not. Meanwhile she just sits back and laughs and mocks the situation. The harder I work, the better she looks you mention. The glorious “glo” as I become the “joke” of the day. How is it that between these two people who you value most in your life, they can break you down so much? Make you feel worthless, useless and ugly? How was I so stupid and blind not to see all the facts right in front of me? I feel so foolish. You said you changed, but realistically I was the one doing the changing. I trusted you, I believed in you. I valued your word when you said you would never hurt me. THE BOTH OF YOU! So now, I just sit here. At a lost of words. Unsure of my next move or how to recover from such mockery. We were supposed to be a family. All of us. I opened my house and my family up to you and look how you betrayed me. As much as I want to sit here and seek revenge, I won’t. Everything happens for a reason and in the end… this experience will destroy you, yet make me that much stronger and wiser.