I feel like my life has come to a stand still. Where I am just sitting here looking life head on & wondering what next?? I feel like I have begun to settle in life. I have stopped wanting more out of life & more for myself & honestly don;t know why. If you knew me about two years ago, you probably wouldn;t even recognize the person you see before your eyes right now. Not saying that;s a good thing, or a bad thing. Those people who knew me years ago look at me now & say I seem happier than I have ever been in life. & I am. But at the same time, I am constantly fearing, what next?? I have met an amazing set of friends & family, yet when I go home at night, I feel so lost & alone. I can be sitting in the middle of a crowd while everyone is laughing enjoying their selves, yet feel so alone. Change is a scary thing. & right now I am going thru so many changes. Personally; Emotionally; Financially; Mentally. I normally cope so well with change. I adapt. I just can;t seem to adapt to changes lately. But I do know something needs to change. But why do I have to always be the one to do that? Somewhere in this crazy chaotic confusing world I feel I have lost myself. But where to even begin to look for myself is the question. Idk maybe I am just having a moment but I feel like I have so much on my mind. Yet when it comes out, I am at a lost for words. I know I sound crazy at times, but if you know me, then you already know I am. So what;s new. I wish I could find the special immunity from all the hurt & pain in the world & pass it on to myself & friends nd family. Everyone seems to be fighting their own battles right now. I hate it. I just want to be happy in life & everyone else to be as well. Seems like every time I am at my peek of happiness something or someone comes & fukks it up. Do you ever wonder what if?? Like what if you could go back & change one part of your life, would you? Or do you believe everything happens for a reason? As much as I sometimes wish I could redo certain events in my life I feel each experience has made me who I am. I am a FiRM believer that everything happens for a reason, EVERYTHING. Sometimes we just don;t understand or know the meaning of it til later on in life when it;s meant for us to. Despite all the crazy emotions & thoughts running thru my head at the end of the day I put a smile on my face & remain strong. I can;t let anyone see how fragile in life I have become. I have been thru worse & overcame it. This should be nothing. I must remain strong & defeat all the obstacles that are faced before me. I have no choice. I have a wonderful son that who, at the end of the day reality is, we only have each other. I feel so foolish for even allowing myself to become this way. But all feelings & emotions are temporary & can be changed. They will be.
4 years ago