Friday, October 24, 2008

UNT!TLED; Dear Diary

I feel like my life has come to a stand still. Where I am just sitting here looking life head on & wondering what next?? I feel like I have begun to settle in life. I have stopped wanting more out of life & more for myself & honestly don;t know why. If you knew me about two years ago, you probably wouldn;t even recognize the person you see before your eyes right now. Not saying that;s a good thing, or a bad thing. Those people who knew me years ago look at me now & say I seem happier than I have ever been in life. & I am. But at the same time, I am constantly fearing, what next?? I have met an amazing set of friends & family, yet when I go home at night, I feel so lost & alone. I can be sitting in the middle of a crowd while everyone is laughing enjoying their selves, yet feel so alone. Change is a scary thing. & right now I am going thru so many changes. Personally; Emotionally; Financially; Mentally. I normally cope so well with change. I adapt. I just can;t seem to adapt to changes lately. But I do know something needs to change. But why do I have to always be the one to do that? Somewhere in this crazy chaotic confusing world I feel I have lost myself. But where to even begin to look for myself is the question. Idk maybe I am just having a moment but I feel like I have so much on my mind. Yet when it comes out, I am at a lost for words. I know I sound crazy at times, but if you know me, then you already know I am. So what;s new. I wish I could find the special immunity from all the hurt & pain in the world & pass it on to myself & friends nd family. Everyone seems to be fighting their own battles right now. I hate it. I just want to be happy in life & everyone else to be as well. Seems like every time I am at my peek of happiness something or someone comes & fukks it up. Do you ever wonder what if?? Like what if you could go back & change one part of your life, would you? Or do you believe everything happens for a reason? As much as I sometimes wish I could redo certain events in my life I feel each experience has made me who I am. I am a FiRM believer that everything happens for a reason, EVERYTHING. Sometimes we just don;t understand or know the meaning of it til later on in life when it;s meant for us to. Despite all the crazy emotions & thoughts running thru my head at the end of the day I put a smile on my face & remain strong. I can;t let anyone see how fragile in life I have become. I have been thru worse & overcame it. This should be nothing. I must remain strong & defeat all the obstacles that are faced before me. I have no choice. I have a wonderful son that who, at the end of the day reality is, we only have each other. I feel so foolish for even allowing myself to become this way. But all feelings & emotions are temporary & can be changed. They will be.

5 comments:

TeiaR1984 said...

This is confusing but yet soo good lol..
I hope you figure out whats going on and be Happy =)

JuJu said...

cause that's how my brain works!!! so confusing!!! LOL

MrsQuencyT said...

Sometimes we all need a break from "life". So much going on everyday, sometimes you just have to stop and think. At times we're too busy trying to please everyone around us, we forget about ourselves.
Just because you have an extended amount of friends and family doesn't mean you shouldn't feel alone. If these people don't know what's really going on in your head, then you really are alone. That can be a good thing, and/or bad depending on how deep your feelings are. At the same time, you don't want to go around airing your dirty laundry so you end up being alone trying to figure out everything yourself.
Change. It happens. Some adapt easily, some hard. I think that depends on the situations. But when you have so many changes going on at the same time, it can get very overwhelming. Leaving us alone and fearing what else is about to change?! Why do you always have to be the one to do it, you ask??? Well probably because you're the only one WILLING to do it? I say, take things one day at a time...there's really nothing you can do about it right away.
Now, losing yourself. There's a way to find yourself REAL easily. If you find yourself doing extremely uncharacteristic things, take a minute and ask yourself WHY AM I DOING THIS? Alot of people lose themselves trying to be what someone else wants them to be. The more you live YOUR life for that other person, the more you're losing yourself. And frankly if that's your case...that particular person should like YOU FOR YOU without any drastic changes where you lose yourself.
Oh GawD the "What if" question!!! Girl, you and I both have a what if situation in our past! But I go along with you...each experience has made the person we are today. I wouldn't change ONE thing about my past. Regret, Yes..but change, No! I do believe that everything happens for a reason, as you...I'm a FIRM believer! And not that I'm real religious..as you know..I think God throws us some curve balls to test our strengths, ya know??
At the end of each day, lay in bed...sit on the couch...whatever you do to relax (after Bry goes to bed of course!!) and think how far you've come. Nothing is easy in this world..NOTHING. So, thank your lucky stars for what you have. Don't dwell too much on the shit you can't change because TRUST ME it won't help! Don't cry over someone or something that you can't change. Just move forward, think of it as another lesson learned :)
You have ONE HUGE reason to put a smile on your face, that is Bryson. I think he alone, makes you a VERY strong woman. You Have been through worse and made it this far without ever looking back....
for that I'M SOOOO PROUD OF YOU :)

Keep your head up lil' one. Your young, beautiful, strong and trust me..you'll get through this like a piece of cake.

BTW... This wasn't confusing at all..to me ;)

socal said...

you in a good position in your life right now. sometimes it gets a little discouraging but we gotta keep chuckin you know. your on the road to that happy medium.

-socal

ann said...

Brit,your friend here,Mrs Quiency makes alot of sense.Everyone feels alone in a croud sometimes sweetie.Everyone....
And you have come thru so much,and accomplished so much.Maybe you just need some rest.A wk-end.A day.Some time to do nothing,for nobody.Just reat,goof off,and quit thinking.
And dear we all----wish we could go back,re-do,change things.We all have made mistakes.You know why?We're human and that's what human do.What we don't tear up.we poop on.ha.If we didn't screw up,how would we learn>?Some of us,your Nanna for one has to make the same mistake many times before she finally learns.
And baby,one thing I have learned in life is about every ten or so yrs.[maturity,I think]We change.What used to be important,all of a sudden isn't anymore.You'll recognize it happening.
You should be proud of yourself.You are a great MOM.You have always taken care of him by YOURSELF.You are brillant,gorgeous,and so hard headed nothing can get in the way if you want something.
I am so proud of you.And so is your MOM.We all are.You hang in there baby.You will always be MY KID....I LOVE YOU....NANNA

 
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