currently;

i have never really felt so alone in my life. which is ironic becus i am a loner and usually do things on my own.. never had much family around ; always just kinda did for myself. but lately i have felt so alone. so sad. so lost & confused. as you all know i have been going thru hell and back lately. each day i think ; "its gotta be better today" & then something else happens. it doesnt stop. seriously. & i am not writing this post cus i want pity or to hear "it'll get better" - i know this already. i just feel myself slowly sinking into a depression and hate it. i need a hug.. i just need things to be 'okay' in my life again.

hiatus; BBL.

Today; no wait.. scratch that.. this week; okay wait.. these past few weeks have been pretty bad for me. I have been going thru a lot emotionally and today just topped the icing on the cake.

On that note; i am taking a break to find myself; BBL. :(

hate.

hate;
VERB:
1) To feel hostility or animosity toward.
2) To detest.

NOUN:
1) Intense animosity or dislike; hatred.
2) An object of detestation or hatred.

this is a word i like to try to stay away from as much as possible becus it is such a strong word. i have got to the point where i have strongly disliked something or someone; but usually try to refrain from the word "hate" becus it packs so much meaning behind that lil four letter word. unfortunately YOU have made me this person i no longer wanna be. i hate you; i hate the day i met you; i hate how i cant change the past & it has ruined our future; i hate how you treat me and how you make me feel; i hate how you can belittle me making me think i am not shxt or good enuff; i hate how you bring me so up, jes to knock me down to reality so hard; i hate how you can tell me one thing & never mean it; i hate how YOU can have so much HATRED towards someone you say you "love"; i hate how much i love you; i hate how you have created this hate in my heart..

-- tunes into kelis on ipod to drown out thoughts; "i hate you so much right now" aahhhh.

To Whom it May Concern:

you are nothing but a FAKE ass lier!!! you are such a HYPOCRITE!!! no wonder you were so QUICK to accuse me of bullshxt!!!! homie next time before you wanna go make "threats" and act a muthafxckin fool off some bullshxt; make sure your hands are CLEAN and you have covered your own tracks before accusing me of doing some STUPID ASS shxt that you know i would NEVER DO!!!! You wanna say you wanna do "you" and be free but then show up acting a DAMN fool when you THINK; and let me reiterate THINK i am doing something - no wonder!! it all makes sense now cus you aint nothing but a STUPID ASS HOE who was feeling guilty and wanted to put your guilt on someone else!!

Homie you are DEAD to me! Don't ever contact me again; and TRUST i will exchange the favor as well.
Like Kayne West said: I'll see you in my nightmares!!!

innocent until proven guilty; right?

well unfortunately that isn't always the case. why is it that nowadays we are so quick to jump to conclusions and judge others?? sometimes a situation might seem as bad as it could possibly seem; but that doesn't mean that it was bad!!! sometimes you should TRUST others that they used their best judgement and made the best decision! Esp when you know that person better than anyone else; why would you be so quick to think the worse? If that's the case; then maybe you never knew the person in the first place. Stop letting others influence you and listen to your heart before making decisions and judging people. And if in your heart you truly feel you are making the right decision; then go with it. By all means, because the heart is usually right cus the mind gets easily confused by outside factors. But before going and "punishing" or "hurting" others based on what you THINK and not what you KNOW, really stop and ask yourself if you feel in your heart you are making the best decision and what you feel is right.

how i am feeling.

A thousand words couldn't bring you back
I know because I've tried. Neither could a
thousand tears, I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart and happy memories too.
But I never wanted memories, I only wanted you


When you love somebody, they become a part of you.
That’s why it hurts so much to let them go.
When you love someone that doesn’t love you back
it’s hard to find a way to keep yourself on track.
It leaves your heart broken and hurts so much
but that’s why it’s called a crush.


Who do you turn to when the only person in
the world that can stop you from crying is
exactly the one making you cry?

Butterfly; DISCLAIMER.

*SIDE NOTE: so there has been a few comments regarding my last post. some of you who know me personally know about the "transformation" i am currently undergoing and believe this post about my metamorphosis was in regards to that. Not only is that a part of it; but it goes much more deeper than that. yes i am undergoing a change right now; but in the end it will be much deeper than that. i am growing emotionally, physically, spiritually and intellectually.

as i mentioned before.. stay tuned.. once all the negative energy is eliminated i will be fully blossomed into this beautiful BUTTERFLY it'll be worth the wait ;)


PS. because of this process i am a tad under the weather but will try to stay up to par on my posting and keeping tabs on my blog fam as much as possible.. heads up on the apologies for falling behind and if i am not able to stay up during my "recover" aka: cocoon process ;)

UNT!TLED; butterfly.

i've always somewhat envied the life of a butterfly. they start their life one way and blossom into something beautiful; a new creature that everyone loves to love. this creature begins their life as a awkward caterpillar, then has a spectacular metamorphosis into a familiar and colourful winged adult form. i believe we all somewhat go thru a metamorphosis as we enter our adulthood. how much or to what extreme varies to each person. some people go thru life and look back and wonder where it went; and wonder "what if". a good friend said to me the other day that we are in our prime. enjoy life to the fullest right now cus you don't want to look back when you are 40 and realize you literally had the life; but didn't live it.

i've been thru so much in my time and i want to thank each and every person that has entered my life; whether you are still in it or not. each person serves a purpose, a somewhat stepping stone to your next phase in life. i truly am blessed to have met such wonderful people in my life.

but now it is time for me to turn into my own "butterfly". the year has just begun; yet has already brought so many changes and will continue to bring even more. i am stepping out of my shell and going to transfer even more into this beautiful person. i am eliminating negative friends and energy in my life and focusing on my relationship with God. My son always has; and always will come first in life. I am going to enjoy life to the fullest and everything it has to offer; i don't want to be that person looking back still as a "caterpillar" because i never let my life fully blossom into what it could be. so stay tuned everyone as i transfer into this beautiful, wonderful creature.. this is just the beginning of a wonderful journey and metamorphosis =]

fairytales.

growing up i used to believe in fairytales and had the hopes and dreams of one day becoming a princess and finding my price charming. now that i am older i am much more wiser. fairytales are not real; neither is "prince charming". hearts are meant to be broken and lessons learned. with each experience in life you have to take the bad with the good. that's life. maybe one day i will learn to love again; but for now it all seems like a childish dream that has been outgrown.

mia; my apologies.

sorry i have been mia lately - life's been crazy. what was going to be a wonderful christmas is slowly turning into the worse christmas seasons ever. i truly believe i am the definition of murphy's law. what could go wrong; will go wrong. i have decided i am not meant to love or be loved. sorry i haven't been checking out the blogs lately or staying ontop of mine.. i promise to catch up later right now i jes need to take some time to reflect. happy holidays everyone.

kick rocks.

ugghhh i am so tired of STUPID AXX IGNORANT PEOPLE!!!

hella frustrated today and irritated!!!

STUPID PEOPLE KICK ROCKS & leave me the FXCK alone.

Taking a chance wit Love

In most people eyes, finding that one true love is that ultimate goal in life. You go through so much bullshit to find it, that sometimes when you discover it, you are battered and torn. What is life without love? Is the freedom of being single and alone that great that many people flee the greatest challenge in the world, and that's being with one person for the rest of their lives?


a friend of mine decided to share this with me.. and i was so inspired by what it said; i decided to share it. i feel like everyone needs to read this; and def take notes. its some truth.com for ur axx..

________________________________________________________________


"Let's go through some of the advantages and disadvantages of being single. When I was single and wild, I had some of the funnest times of my life. The stories and the memories are enough for ten men. I was a celebrated athlete most of my young adult life. I am tall, black, attractive and educated. I have no kids and pretty much have been able to talk to most women I've been attracted to. Not because I look that much better than most men, maybe it was my charm. Who knows, but I sure in hell took advantage of it.

The advantage of being single had me getting up everyday free of stress and free of guilt. I could come and go as I pleased. When I went out to a club on the weekends, I didn't have to worry about checking in or feeling bad I stayed out late. When a woman who didn't know me approached me and asked if I had a woman, I use to say it with pride, HELL NO!!!! I never understood why people wanted to be in relationships, everyone that I knew, were not happy. It was drama all the time. Who wants to be in anything when there not happy? Not me. When you are working a job that sucks or the pay isn't that great, most of the time you seek other avenues. Relationships should not feel like a job!! The single life really allows you to focus on life and discover who you really are as a person and what you want for yourself. But sometimes it can be a disadvantage and throw you off course.

For some, being single is a big party. They can go out and hang with their boy or girls and just kick it all the time. I believe in the saying, "Misery Loves Company". Many of my friends are single or heartbroken from past relationship. So the fact that you're free to talk to and hang is there therapy for their selfish reasons. Watch how many people change when you're happy in a relationship and not able to go out like you use to. I seen many friends come and go for these reasons. Mad cause you're happy and in something they wish they were in. So what happens is that the friend turns on you or tries to convince you that relationships suck and you don't need to be in them. Real friends are happy for you and want to see things that are good in your life work. Fake friends, have you out in clubs all the time or in situations that jeopardize the one thing good in your life and never care how your personal life is affected. As long as you are there for them, they are happy.

Remember those days when it was storming or freezing outside? You all always want a person to cuddle up with. You say to yourself I wish I had someone to snuggle up with. I know I have said that many times. Or when the club is played out and the same people are there. You're like I wish I had someone to just chill and watch a movie with. When people get what they want, they usually don't want it anymore. The reasons are a mystery. You always think the grass is greener on the other side. When actually it is the opposite!!! You may be in a rocky relationship and you think to yourself, maybe it's someone better out there for me who has more or looks that much better than the person you're with. When actually it's the curiosity picking at your pride. The fact that most people happy seem to be boring to most single people is funny. I was that single person who looked at couples and thought, that has to get boring. But I didn't know what love meant. I was really the boring one. Going to clubs every weekend and meeting girls. Going on dates, spending money on strangers and never seeing them again. No matter how smooth I appeared to be. Every night for the most part I would go to bed alone, even when someone was there with me. I didn't know that person, so to me I was alone.

That's a horrible feeling. Being single is pointless!!!

I can guarantee to all of the people that think being single has more to offer than being in a relationship, your fooling yourself. There is nothing like the feeling that your significant other birthday is coming up. Or Christmas, New Years is around the corner. What about those plans to take a cruise or party in Vegas with some of your friends together. The nervous feeling of meeting someone parents or friends for the first time; is a rush that is beautiful. It's like a championship game tied in the fourth quarter.

Have you ever gotten bad news about a friend or family member and you cried like a baby. For some they have did that alone, no one there to comfort them. No one there to tell them it will be ok. I think the fear of being vulnerable to people makes them cold hearted. I was that way and many people I know are.

That's the wonderful thing about taking a chance with love. You put your heart out there to get broken. But the award is without a doubt worth the risk. The chance to find a person that you don't have to be fake for. Someone who laughs at the most stupid things you do and think they are so cute. The person, who allows you to be imperfect at times but still, loves you for it. Someone who tries just as hard to help you succeed with your dreams and you would on your own.

Knowing someone cares about you as much as you do for yourself is the reason why taking a chance with love is worth the risk of being heartbroken. Things happen. People breakup or sometimes a person who appeared perfect for you is not. But the world will go on like it did the day before you discovered that the person you with is not the one for you. You have to believe someone is out there searching for you.

Me knowing how miserable being single is, even when it appeared that I was having fun, it is not as fulfilling as taking that chance with love. I don't want go out and come home to an empty bed, wishing someone special was there. Even if you're lucky to bring someone home, do you really want them there or is it, self pity that you gamble your heart and health with a stranger.

Many people say all the time; I know what's out there in the clubs or the dating scene. I'm sure the lack of motivated, honest, caring and loving people can fill up a NFL stadium in any city alone. But many people never grab on to the reality that there is more in the world for them than a 4am bed time. What does that do for you really? Did you make yourself happy you partied until the early morning or you were flirting all night with an attractive person who appears to be a good guy or girl? When you wake up in the morning to brush your teeth or wash off the makeup you left on the night before, ask yourself a question. And that question is this!!!! Am I really making myself happy doing what I'm doing or am I trying to please others? Because if you're making yourself happy with what you're doing, keep doing it. But if you are doing things to keep friends happy, I hate to say that you're being fake to yourself. Go and find happiness and take a chance to love someone and I'm sure you will be rewarded."


Thanks Teck for sharing this story with me.

update;

okay so i found out that i got scammed! dang; that's fxcked up! like i said i usually never give to folks on the street but i found out this same lady is pulling the SAME story in mission valley to other people and has been doing it for a while now.. hummphh i outta go find her axx and give her a piece of my mind.. haha.. nahh but its jes crazy cus i was in the christmas s pirit and felt generous and come to find out; i got taken advantage of.. so everyone in daygo beware of this chic and this story so you dont get scammed like we do; and never again will i give to someone in need on the street.. so sad people take advantage of folks nowadays. owell.. we live and learn!

in the spirit;

i was headed to eat this evening when stopped by this lady in the parking lot; now normally i am pretty rude and jes keep walking but for some reason i decided to stop and hear what she had to say.. she first off apologized for interrupting us and began to tell me "her story" - which it seems everyone has when they are stopping to ask you for something; usually for money of course. surprisingly i sat and listened to the whole story and first off she said she had jes come down from oakland to take her kids to sea world and the zoo or something like that; i guess she sed her boss gave her some free tickets and they took a road trip down here to go. well, she sed her car was stolen from that very parking lot where i was jes parked.. humm; that struck me as kinda odd cus i dont usually hear of too many cars being stolen from a restaurant in mission valley.. ((and ur from oakland again??)) but for some reason; again, i continued to listen. she explained how she had already contacted the shelter downtown and they had agreed to let her and her two daughters stay the night. she sed she left her purse and luggage in the car when it was stolen ((again; strikes me as odd - but strangely enuff i would do that at times; but never again will i)) and had no cash left to get a hotel, etc. so as she continued to tell her story; explaining how the police came and did a report but assumed her car was probably halfway across the border by now. by this point you could tell she was fighting back tears in her voice as she apologized and said she was so embarrassed to have to even stop and ask a stranger for help.

i cut her off, not in a rude way but it was chilly out and i was hungry, and asked her what exactly she needed to help her and her family out tonite. she simply stated all she needed was help with getting on the trolley to take downtown. now it is very odd for me to have cash on me, but for some reason i had a little cash on me that i hadnt spent yet and decided to go ahead and give it to her. i had never seen someone so grateful for what seemed like change i would have probably wasted on something i didnt need anyways. she called her daughters out and away they went on the trolley. she seemed very humble and grateful. i didnt give her much; but i hope i did help with what she needed tonite.

this incident got me thinking tho. how often do we really blow off strangers thinking they are jes out begging or asking for something when they dont try to help themselves.. and what if those people are really average every day people like us; who jes so happened to catch a case of bad luck and needed jes that lil extra something to get them where they are going or back on the right track? honestly if something happened to me out here, i would pretty much be in the same situation she was. she had no family here and not many people to call - whatever the case; i am glad i could help.

Complimenting my "Completeness".

Never say someone completes you. We have to feel whole even when we are by ourselves; for needing a certain someone is not love, but dependency. Wanting a person to become a part of your life is the best reason for having them. So rather than search for the someone who will complete you, wait for the person that will compliment your completeness.