Sunday, June 14, 2009


So I was told today that I deserve everything bad that comes my way. Obviously I am a bad person and have done such horrible things I deserve everything I get. I admit; I have made my share of mistakes. But nobody deserves to have to go thru pain and emotional heartache. I found out last week, that because of my car accident and the events that happened w/ it I will more than likely be going to jail. Minimum 6 months for each case. that’s a year total; at least. Same day I found out that my grandma may have cancer. She is already about to undergo a trial surgery that has no proven facts that it will be a success, and is not only fighting for her life on a daily basis; but may also have cancer. But remember - I deserve all of this. Im about to loose my apt; I have no family here and no where to go. I am usually one to bit my tongue on situations that involve my personal life; but I don’t understand what I have done so wrong in life to continue to receive such pain and heartache. I have always been there for everyone I can and would give my last anything to help someone I care about or love; but I deserve to live a life of betrayal and hurt and pain? Maybe that person is right. Maybe I do deserve everything that comes my way. Maybe I don’t deserve to love or be loved. I have fought so hard for so long; but I give up. I have nothing left in me to fight for my life anymore. How can I be strong for my son who has no clue what’s going on when I cant even be strong for myself anymore? I have fought for my life for so many years and overcome more shit than the average person -- but I guess my trials and tribulations have only really begun. I guess I am destined to be miserable. So with that being said; I apologize to anyone I have ever hurt. I never meant to; I may seem like a hardass 99% of the time; but I really have a huge heart of gold -- that has now turned to coal. I cant continue to hurt the people I love so I will remove myself from the situations. I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart hurts.. My head hurts.. Im so hurt and confused… I just wish someone cared or loved me; but I guess I am “unlovable”..


Miss.Stefanie said...

You know my P.O.V on this already...I LOVE YOU!

Jillian said...

what in the hell... :(

Milly said...

aww Ju I'm so sorry youre going through all this mess :(

I really truely hope it all gets better for you

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